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Monthly Archives: July 2017

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Confession; I am a serial online dater. I’ve been a faithful Tinder user for the past 4 years (after my last Tinder debacle I’ve decided to give it a much needed rest.) In fact you can also add OKCupid, Match.com, Bumble, POF, and even SoulSwipe to the list.

The online dating world offers greater odds of finding love than the chance of meeting someone at a bar. In the palm of your hand you can be “introduced” to so many people around your city or even the world; without having to lean in into someone’s ear because the music is to loud or squinting to get a double look because the bar is too dark. You can filter out what you don’t want and pick exactly what you like.

From my experience, I’ve received messages and reached out to a couple men but quickly I realized that most of the men who messaged me back were Black men (my own ethnicity) a few were Hispanic but barely any men who were White (the ones I received messages from often fetishized my appearance and sexualized me solely based on my race), Asian, Middle Eastern or Indian. The men I did connect with I would go on dates with, all have been black, and they have been interesting.

Let’s talk about “Kway”, he lived in Maryland but came to NYC for the weekend for a business trip and we decided to throw in a date during his down time. We met at one of my favorite restaurants; I walked up to find him in a t-shirt (shirt had a noticeable hole), house slippers (with socks) and basketball shorts. By the way, He looked completely different from his pictures. I know, many would have walked away but instead I pulled out my chair and ordered a drink. When our food arrived he ate his within 4 minutes and then proceeded to lift up his fork and put it in my salad… without asking! Let’s just say that was the first and last date with “Kway”. I can’t forget my date with ‘Allan” which started out great until the check came and he did not have enough to pay. And a few other dates that I’ll dive into another time. 

Although there were many interesting encounters, I did have a good one which was filled with love and ended with heartbreak due to male insecurities (…that’s a another post.) I quickly had to face the fact online dating just isn’t my thing! In fact it isn’t for many black women.

Truth is, most daters on mainstream dating sites are white. In 2015, statistics showed that most white male user where looking to date someone who “share their racial background”. This means that most black women’s profiles are overlooked. In an OKCupid study, it was discovered that black men gave the cold shoulder to black women tooThe study found that black men of all ages were 10 times more likely to initiate contact with white women. A similar study released by OkCupid found that Black women are the least replied to group, however, they are the most likely to respond – a quarter more often than other women to be exact. The overall statistics revealed that most race and gender blocks, except for Black women, seem to have a preference for other races. This sends the negative message to black women that no matter how educated or beautiful you are, you’re still black and that makes you undesirable.

It’s one thing to be passed up because your dating percentages don’t match, or because of a hairstyle or an weird obsession with reality TV but it’s another to be passed on because of race. Online dating has dehumanized everyone! The goal of online dating is objectivity but truthfully it forces people to make rash decisions based on a photograph or an assumption rather than getting to know someone. These snap decisions leave many women especially women of color with a very small section to pick from, or men that pick them.

I deleted all my dating app accounts and faced the fact that I’m not the audience this was created for. When I asked a guy friend “where are all the guys to date?” He quickly replied “I’m not sure but I know they aren’t on Tinder.” There’s a bit of magic in real-life encounters.

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Tried online dating before? What was your experience? Let’s talk about it…

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I’ve been blessed to encounter so many educated, beautiful and overall phenomenal women. They make me laugh, smile and are sources of inspiration. I can no longer be selfish, I have to share them with the world! So here you go, Black Girl Magic

Tell us about yourself…
I am a Program Director for a community center in the Bronx that provides free services to youth ages 5 -21 and adults. Youth and families are able to access tutoring, sports, arts, and dance activities. Young people are provided with the opportunity to participate and organize community service projects and are able to learn skills transferable to work or school. I work with my agency to ensure families in need get new clothing and turkeys for the holidays. My favorite part about my job is that I get to be a mentor and a leader. Kids see someone young and in charge and taking care of business. They are able to see themselves in their leadership. I’ll be honest, community and youth development wasn’t my first career choice out of college. But it’s definitely something that I’ve grown to love and become great at! I once heard someone say “taking care of each other is not a job, it’s our responsibility.” So does what I do because taking care of youth and neighbors in need is my responsibility.

Being a woman of color, what has been your biggest adversity in your career?

Fortunately, I haven’t faced too much adversity. However I do get frustrated when people mistaken my outspokenness as abrasive. If I were a man, I’d be “bold” or “assertive.” Instead, of seeing my honesty as what it is, it gets labeled as something negative.

How would you define black girl magic?

Black girl magic is electric!

What motivates/inspires you?
I’m motivated by competition. I’m really competitive so when I see someone performing well or working hard it pushes me to work harder. Or when someone says that I can’t do something, I say “nah imma do it.” My mom and boss probably have probably gotten the biggest headache from my approach lol. That’s why having positive people in your life is essential. They challenge you to do great things because they are accomplishing or have already accomplished amazing feats themselves.

If you can give black women any advice (career, life, love, etc) what would it be?
Speak positively about yourself! Too often we don’t say enough good things about ourselves! We are our own biggest critic! We all have to work on ourselves. But remind yourself how much you’ve accomplished! How talented you are! Victories, no matter big or small, are still victories!

How can we stay connected with you?
Professionally? Via email!  Kristina.fulton@gmail.com
Instagram @rich_and_skinny and Snapchat: tupacshakris

 

thoughts? feelings? opinions? comment, let’s talk about it!

Ghosting the act of breaking off a by ceasing all communication and contact with the former partner without any apparent warning or justification, as well as avoiding and/or ignoring and refusing to respond in any way to the former partner’s attempts to reach out or communicate.

I met this guy named “Marvin” through, Tinder. We had both swiped right and it was instantly a match. He seemed to be just my type; beard, overweight (I have an odd attraction to men who are visibly unhealthy) and creative, he was a rapper.

We talked for hours about things we shared in common and things we didn’t. We debated about hoteps, the role of the black man in society and our plans for the future. It felt right so we decided to meet for drinks.

He ordered a beer, I ordered a “dark & stormy” we shared laughs flirted a bit and before I knew it the sun had set. “Let’s get something to eat…” he said, all giddy inside I agreed we walked to his car, he jumped in the passenger seat and we drove. We grabbed burgers at my favorite spot; we played 90’s trivia and shared more laughs.

As we walked back to his car he reached over grabbed my hand. Hand in hand we shared rap lyrics, the other completed the quote, I’m a sucker for any and everything Hip-Hop. He drove me home and before I got out he kissed me on my cheek, told me he had a great time and looked forward to doing it again. It was a vibe.

The next day I heard nothing, so instead of creating my own narrative I reached out. “I hope you’re having a good day.” I sent. He quickly responded and so did I. But hours had gone by and I heard nothing “Is everything ok?” I sent. Hours later he called, I missed it, I called back “Hey, missed your call, hope you’re having a good night. Call me when you can…” he never called back, texted …nothing.

Ladies and Gentlemen I had just been ghosted.

 *by the way he’s alive and well…

Being ghosted hurts. You’re confused, frustrated, clueless, and feel disrespected. You replay the scene in your mind over and over in search for clues to make their disappearance make sense. Here are some simple steps that helped me and I’m pretty sure will help you.

Delete, Delete, Delete!
There’s no need to go searching, no need to call them out (as difficult as this maybe be…). Face it you’ve been ghosted and there’s no need to have anything reminding you of that. Delete! Delete everything related to them. Block their number, email address, block all social media accounts. You may think, “I want them to see I’m happy without them” but truth is you don’t want to give them the opportunity to be in your life again. If someone ghosts you, they don’t deserve you now or in the future. No second chances!

Be Grateful!
Grab you a bottle of champagne (or if you’re feeling feisty a pint of Hennessy), cook a fabulous meal, and call up some friends and celebrate! You need to be happy that they’re gone and will never return. If they can’t be mature enough to properly end things with you, imagine what else they can’t do? Imagine! It just wasn’t your time and there’s no need to dwell on that, everything that you need and that is good for you is on the way, don’t sweat it. But be grateful…you dodged a bullet, go you!

Take A Moment
Take some time to work on you. I’m not saying give up on dating, fall into a deep depression and don’t go out again…I’m saying to think. What you want, who do you want, what are some non negotiables? Yes, it would be great to find someone who is better than the loser who ghosted you but you don’t want to repeat and find someone who is equally as bad. Focus on being a better version of you; enjoy extra time with friends and family. Be single, be happy and live your life.

 

Have you ever been “ghoster”? Been a “ghostee”? Why did you ghost someone? How did you deal with being ghosted? Let’s talk about it…