The older I get the more I realize the importance of transparency. I’m not saying run around shouting your woes from the highest mountain top (do remember – everyone isn’t worthy of your story) but it is ok to share when your heart tells you too. You never know who you may help, influence or inspire.
Life for me had always seemed balanced. Granted, I had faced many adversities and there were tough times but I always made it through. Growing up my mother referred to me as being the strong one, able to deal with anything – so in my mind that was true. I had accomplished a lot in my short years of adulthood; as soon as I graduated I got a job, my own place, friends that loved to party, clothes and got the attention I wanted from the guys I actually liked … I mistook all of those things as blessings and loved every moment of it!
On the outside I was bubbly, fun, always had a joke up my sleeve and seemed happy but honestly I really wasn’t. Life felt like it was at a halt. Depression kicked in and there were days I just didn’t want to get out of bed. Days where I would turn off every light, close the curtains, put the covers over my head and just … sleep. Days where the only energy I had was to make something to eat, watch a sitcom (usually Martin or The Cosby Show) imagined my life was like theirs, cry a little and sleep. Days I would turn off my phone not wanting to talk to anyone and deactivated all of my social networks. Days when I would text everyone in my contacts, even guys I knew I wanted nothing to do with, I just wanted to feel wanted and have some type of control over someone’s emotions – since I couldn’t control my own. Days when I would join as many volunteer opportunities as possible; things from classes to workshops to mixers, not because I liked them but because I wanted to have a purpose and feel needed. Some days didn’t last long, I would usually bounce right back and no one would notice but there came a point when the feeling wouldn’t leave.
I had been depressed for weeks. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I cried for hours, called out of work (which wasn’t like me at all), wanted nothing to do with anyone – there was so much hurt and anger in my heart … it seemed unbearable. I finally decided to reemerge and called my best friend, my sister. She gave me encouraging words (…like she had done on numerous occasions) but everything went in one ear and out the other. It was as if no one understood what I felt, no one really got my sadness.
Days had gone by and she sent me a text that I am forever grateful for – she told me to go to church. I wasn’t a stranger to church, in fact I had gone to catholic school and knew bible verses word for word but there was really no connection. I decided to go alone … it couldn’t hurt.
The moment I walked into church and sat down – I felt my spirit had forever changed. I had been to this church many times, knew a few people there but this was something I had never felt. The Pastor preached the story of Gabriel going to Mary and telling her she would bare a son, named Jesus (Luke 1:26-38) her son would forever reign over his kingdom without end. Mary, a virgin, questioned how could this be – she had never slept with a man and was soon to marry Joseph, what would he say? The angel told Mary to trust in God, for with him nothing is impossible. Mary believed with her whole heart and Joseph took in Jesus as his child with love and they were forever blessed. The Pastor continued his sermon with the message of believing and that change can/will happen. I felt God tug on my heart, I knew he had crafted this message to feed me with what I had been missing and I needed.
I went home on cloud 9 and decided to take action … deleted every random out of my contacts (I’ll blog about RANDOMS and why everyone needs to get rid of them later) and prayed asking God to show me what I needed to do and without question get rid of anyone/thing that would bring me sorrow. He brought me to PINYPROMISEMOVEMENT.COM and introduced me to tons of women on the same journey and shared their encouraging words. Slowly people faded away, it got easier to not respond to messages and calls from those who weren’t pushing me in the right direction and he started bringing me closer to the people who love and truly support me.
In no way, shape or form am I saying…I am a completely different woman (there is still A LOT I need to work on)! But I do feel a change happening and my spirit is relieved. No longer do I drown in my sorrow and when I feel moments of despair – I PRAY. Other times I listen to a podcast or two (Joel Osteen and Gathering Oasis are some of my favorites), read passages in my bible (a GREAT on the go bible is YouVerision Bible app it’s completely free and you can highlight, write notes and bookmark your favorite verses). And when all else fails, I take quite moments and remember all that God has brought me through and there is more “happy” to come.I know the journey is going to be a L- O – N –G one but I am completely devoted and excited for all it has to offer.
Please know … everything happens in divine order. This may have been a grueling year, nothing seemed to go right but remember that each season God is preparing you for your next. You may not have understood it when it happened but it happened for a reason. Leave all your worry, pain, mistrust, dependence on others, heartache, jealousy in this year and stop trying to figure things out – a new journey awaits! All that you need and want will be given to you. Just trust and remember … with God all things are possible!
This new year belongs to YOU!